3. Write
sentences that have people doing things:
Faulty: It was decided that company policy be changed to
allow employee selection of personal leave days.
Better: The personnel committee decided to change company
policy and allow employees to select their own personal
leave days.
4. Avoid
nominalizing (transforming verbs and adjectives into nouns):
Faulty: We conducted an investigation of the accident.
Better: We investigated the accident.
5. Avoid
stringing nouns together and creating what scientist Peter
Medawar describes as "one huge noun-like monster in
constant danger of falling apart." The following examples
are from Commerce Business Daily:
"fluidized bed waste heat recovery system demonstration"
and "roof rock bolt bond integrity tester development."
The examples below are from Joseph Williams:
Faulty: Early childhood thought disorders misdiagnosis often
occurs as a result of unfamiliarity with recent research
literature describing such conditions.
Better: Physicians unfamiliar with the literature on recent
research often misdiagnose disordered thought in young children.
6. Maintain
parallelism:
Faulty: The new regulations could cause problems for both
the winners and for those who lose.
Better: The new regulations could cause problems for both
winners and losers.
7. Emphasize
important words by placing them where they receive natural
stress, either at the beginning or, for even greater emphasis,
at the end of a sentence:
Faulty: Rather than being a judge who pronounces the verdict,
the teacher becomes an editor who guides students' writing
with this method.
Better: With this method, the teacher becomes an editor
who guides students' writing, rather than a judge who pronounces
the verdict.
8. Place
subordinate ideas in subordinate constructions:
Faulty: The value is 50 watts and is best determined by
actual test.
Better: The value, which is best determined by actual test,
is 50 watts.
9. Substitute
descriptive verbs for vague verbs:
Faulty: He went to the island.
Better: He sailed to the island.
10. Substitute
lean words for ponderous expressions:
Faulty: Align the tubes in such a manner that they all heat
at the same time.
Better: Align the tubes so they all heat at the same time.
11. Substitute
familiar for unfamiliar words:
Faulty: Everyone should be cognizant of the danger of explosion.
Better:
Everyone should be aware of the danger of explosion.
12. Avoid
overused expressions common to the business world:
Faulty: Utilization of crystal clear goals and objectives
will optimize our capacity to prioritize our concerns so
that we will impact upon the major thrust of our company's
future plans and prospects.
Better: If we clarify our goals and objectives, we will
be better able to concentrate on what is most important
for our company's future.
13. Cut
unnecessary words:
Faulty: After a time interval of one to two minutes, the
tone usually stops.
Better: After one to two minutes, the tone usually stops.
14. Be
precise:
Faulty: The cost must not be prohibitive.
Better: The cost should not exceed $100 per thousand gallons.
15. Avoid
confusing pronouns:
Faulty: As the temperature falls, a compressive stress is
exerted by the bezel on the glass because of its greater
temperature coefficient.
Better: As the temperature falls, the bezel, because of
its greater temperature coefficient, exerts a compressive
stress on the glass.
16. Keep
sentence elements in their proper order:
Faulty: The sample to be analyzed first must be put into
solution.
Better: The sample to be analyzed must first be put into
solution.
17. Avoid
dangling modifiers:
Faulty: Walking up the hill, my umbrella was blown away
by the wind.
Better: While I was walking up the hill, the wind blew away
my umbrella.
18. Reduce
strings of prepositional phrases:
Faulty: The October 31 deadline for submission of proposals
in response to an invitation from the National Science Foundation
also applies to unsolicited proposals.
Better: The deadline for both solicited and unsolicited
proposals to the National Science Foundation is October
31.
